I feel lost

Hello, Ihave been so used to going into the other forums but now the other half of me has died. Billy died January 8th. It was sudden even though he had GVHD following his transplant in August he had jsut been told he was hosp visits onece a week instead of twice and we had gone to my parents for the first time in over a year. On the sunday about tea time he took unwell and by the time the ambulance arrived i was having to do cpr on my own husband. Pneumonia! no warning no temp but pneumonia that when you see the coroners report you know he did not stsand a chance. I have blamed myself i have all sorts of emotions running through me but most of all i feel so lost. Sometimes i think did he know other times I know he could not have all sorts of questions run through me but I dont know what to do. This place has been such a help over the years but right now I dont know what to say. Love Susiebabe

Hi,
I felt that I had to post a reply, even though I’ve never lost anyone to lymphoma. I am the one in the family who has it.
However, I did loose my Dad to prostate cancer and I remember how it made me feel. We weren’t prepared to loose him as quickly as we did and it was completely devestating. Your mixed emotions are understandable, par for the course I was told. I blamed myself for not being with Dad when he died, I tried to get there but didn’t make it in time. I felt as though I’d let him down.
All I can say is that it does get better, but for you it’s still very early days. Two years on I can remember the happier times with Dad and I’m sure in time you will too. There are still times when something happens and bad memories come flooding back, but not so often now.
I hope that talking to someone helps. I couldn’t stand leaving your message without replying, as you sounded so lost. Didn’t know what to say really that would help, so hope you don’t mind me mentioning how it was for me.
My thoughts are with you and take care
Sandra

Hello Susie,
I am very sorry for your huge loss. It is obvious from your post that you had a deep and lasting love for Billy and I’m sure this made his life a rich and well-lived one. You made him very happy. There are some things that are way beyond our control and nothing we may do or not do won’t change them, and unfortunately, the end of life is one. My heart goes out to you in your grief and loss. I cannot imagine your pain or your feeling of loss but I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and praying for you every day.
I believe that for Billy all the struggle and pain is over and I hope you find some comfort in that. In my own experience of loss, that of both my parents, I can only say that I felt the emptiness and pain would never go away. I was a hotchpotch of emotions and self-questions as to what I did right and what I didn’t do or could have done better. This is very normal and I think it is ok to accept it. You have to respect your own deepest feelings. It is very early days for you and you must be feeling all-in. You have had a long time of worry, of caring for Billy, of hopes going up and down, your world was indeed turned upside down. You now have to deal with the loss of your closest friend and partner, your other half as you yourself call Billy. Susie, you will get through this dark, dark time and unlikely as it seems now, you will find reason to smile again and even to laugh. Isn’t that just what Billy would want for you? In the middle of all your pondering think of this: your Billy was a very lucky man to have had you in his life and give yourself a well-deserved pat on the back for the care and love you gave him. It is time now for you to be taken care of.
I hope you have someone to talk to, someone who’ll give you the time and the space and the gentleness you need to let the rawness of your grief calm and heal. Life changes all the time Susie, and you will be ok.
I hope this helps.
Take care of yourself X

Hello Susie

I just wanted to say how sorry Iam for you and your loss. My mum passed away from meningeal lymphoma In january also, she was only told she had cancer in the may before, last year was such a horrible year mum was in hospital all the time and I put my life on hold to look after her and my brother who is 12, and when she passed away i felt so lost and just didnt know what to do. I lost the one person i could tell anything to and always turned to when i needed advice or security, there is no way you fill the void that they left, and the only way to describe it is that i feel like i have a hole in me somewhere, i like to think that mum can still watch over us and know what is going on in our lives, when we get married and have children i will tell them all about her and how much a wonderful person and mum she was. It has know been 3 months and I am starting to feel abit better not so bitter about the world and spend less time crying then i used to, I can only hope the same for you, and that time is a healer. Hope you are ok and take care of yourself as that is what they would have wanted for you. :slight_smile:

Hi Susie,
Firstly i want to say i am so sorry for your loss, and i hope at this time you are in better place and feeling a more ease, i lost my mum 10yrs ago to lymphoma & pneuonia, i know she knew what was happening as during her final days in hospital she had told nursing staff that her rights to patient confidentiality were everything - this because i was coming to the end of my pregnancy and she didnt want stress on me or her unborn grandchild, yes i understand her concern for me and baby but i still felt robbed, her very last hours were spent unconcious in the icu at the wythenshawe hospital were i did get chance to tell her i wished she hadnt kept what she knew from me cos bein best friends we never went through anything alone but this she felt she had to, i have my comfort that in the time before hospital was inevitable i was there for her and in that the staff at the wythenshawe icu were the most amazing people, attending to my mum as if she was there own and karen her nurse looking out for me as i had just had a c section. I know that my mum would never had left me and baby if she hadnt had to but in the end i knew it was time so in her unconcious state i told her we was all fine and well she could sleep because all was ok and i would take care of everything. I still want my mum and miss her so much but i always tell myself that because i know she only went because she had to, she is around when i need.xxx