I am desperatly seeking answers to many things that are going through my mind since mel died. When he was in hospital and the consultant told me he had a perforated bowel caused by the lymphoma i asked how long he had left to live and was told days maybe a week. He then asked me if I thought mel needed more pain relief because he (the doctor) believed that he did,I agreed,and 1 hour later he was gone.How can that dr tell me he had days to live and then he dies 1 hour later. I just can’t get my head around that.

I feel for you so much Beverley, so hard to loose the one you love like you did. I know all about questions and what ifs, we say things all the time about my mum and how she died. She was undergoing treatment to lead to a cure so how could she get so ill and die (hers was from kidney failure, due to the treatment for the lymphoma). If only we had not sought a cure she might be here today, if only, if only. Sadly though there are no answers for whatever reason things did not go to plan and the battle was lost. If Mel had lived for days or weeks, would he have been in pain, would he have been conscious would he have had any quality and would the end result have been different. I hope you can find some inner strength to get you through and can get support from those around you. Hugs x

Beverley, medicine is an inexact science and Doctors cannot predict how any single patient will respond to treatment, or indeed how long a terminally ill patient has to live, as every patient is different.

Robert, I find your reply to be very patronizing! I am fully aware that medicine is an inexact science. Perhaps certain consultants shouldn’t give false hope and be more sensitve to the timescale of how much life one has left. My partners consultant advised us to have a holiday as he would have 2 months left to live and although I never took him at his word, I belived that he would have longer than a few days! Doctors see this all the time and know that the Lymphoma may not finish you off but some other thing could happen caused by the lymphoma. They dont tell you that bit!!

Thankyou for your kind reply. I expect that you have some idea of how I feel. Losing your mum like that must have been devastating. I have thought about you alot since reading your replies . I am just trying to piece together why this could have happened to mel as there is alot more to what went on with his treatment than I have written about. I know that there will always be what ifs , as you have said , and that I will just have to learn to live with them and accept. As you know, life will never be the same again . But only people who have been through this, watching someone lose their battle day by day, will undersatnd the feeling of helplessness . hugs back to you x

I agree with the comment above Beverley, mums drs did not tell us or give us any indication that her days were numbered. They told us all was looking good and it was all down to her now! Little did we know her kidneys had all but stopped working, she was not being monitored for that or anything else. Her strength was all gone, she had had two periods in a month of no food for over 10 days before they decided to tube feed her. Her body had nothing to fight with. All our stories have far more to them, it’s just too difficult to write it all down. Mums demise started when the postcode lottery kicked in and the local council would not pay for the chemo regime the drs wanted to offer. Again, but for that she might be with us today!
Still some days it does not seem real, and I expect to see her. Like you say life will never be the same again xx

so sorry about your loss Beverley & nixxi… I too lost my mum two weeks ago :frowning: she`d had 2 half hour sessions of gemcitabine over 2 weeks on the 3rd week an overnight stay in hospital for cisplatine… her kidneys failed about six days later which led to her getting pneumonia and a dvt she died in hospital a week later!!! something dosent add up to me … the whole family is devastated…mum was fine before the cisplatine aside from a couple of nodules in her throat of lymphoma…

Hi again Vetty, just posed on the other post and then read this one. My mum was very sick and was given RCHOP in a reduced dose as she had suffered heart failure due to RCHOP the year before. She had got a lot better however, they needed to treat her with something as the Lymphoma had relapsed, so decided on a course of IVE. She was given it everyday for 4 days. After about day 6 she never really spoke again, or spent much time awake. Her Kidneys started to fail about two weeks later, and a week after that she was found dead by a nurse, shortly after my dad had gone home for the night. They put her death down to Lymphoma, but to my mind it was not that that killed her. She was not on any monitors so we will never know what happened.
It is such a shock and so hard to come to terms with. I really feel for you and your family. Stay strong. Hugs xx

Hi Beverley
18 months ago I lost my 27 year old daughter after a 14 month battle with stage 4 hodgkins. She fought extremely hard to stay with us even at the end, and with the Hodgkins and some other lung infection/virus leading to ARDS. In fact it was her that told the doctors “she thought it was her time”. Medical staff pulled out all the stops to get her home, where after 10 hours she quietly passed away. I believe that our hodgkins patients, especially relapsed/refactory prepare themselves for what may happen and are perhaps more prepared for the end than any of us think. When that time comes and they are faced with no other option, they go somewhere and go with what comes. It is their time not ours. Doctors thought Tracey would live for another week - she had other ideas and I could see that happening. I guess I am trying to tell you not to beat yourself up about the end but to remember the fun times had in the past. What “it’s” go no where.